Heather Mallick, columnist for the Toronto Star, is having apoplexy:
Imagine being me, being asked by the Guardian to explain why my nice country, famously full of people who spend their days hewing wood and drawing water amid a stream of apologies, has gone all, well, crap.
“Is Canada suddenly being run by the Daily Mail?” the editor asked, impeccably courteous as always.
And the answer is an honest Canadian yes.
Canada is melting. The great joke of Harper sending a weasely “environment minister” scuttling home from Durban is that climate change is eating our forests (literally: you can hear a million pine beetles clicking as they chew), turning the icy north to sponge and killing our wildlife. Oil extracted from the Alberta tar sands – that’s “tar”, not “oil” – is poisoning air and water.
Oh, noes! It’s Armageddon, I tell you, ARMAGEDDON! And women and children are hardest hit!
No, wait. It’s actually Muslims:
To wit: Muslim women, with full ID, having passed our weird loyalty test (you will be boring and gracefully will you endure boredom), must remove their face veil as they take the citizenship oath in a crowded courtroom. This was decreed on Monday by immigration minister Jason Kenney, a human woodchuck who can’t resist a bit of pointless nasty.
Ummm, no. It isn’t ‘pointless’ at all. And they can avoid it by the simple expediency of buggering off back to the benighted, fly-blown Third World cesspit they came from, can’t they?
The Toronto Zoo’s gay penguins, Buddy and Pedro, are being split up. Allegedly, the zoo is cleaving to its core mission, which is to breed, and a female penguin is being introduced. I do not suspect Harper of engineering this – global warming will fix penguins just as it will our grizzlies.
Oh, won’t someone think of the humanity penguins?
The gun registry, basically a national logbook of rifle ownership set up after the massacre of 14 young women in Montreal in 1989, is being killed. This will take place close to the anniversary of the slaughter. The data will be erased, despite protests from statisticians, archivists, women, men, the Mounties, local police forces, oh everyone.
When Heather says ‘everyone’, I suspect she really means ‘everyone I know’…
Why? I don’t know…
I do. It’s because your lot lost the bloody election.
So suck it up, love!