From our environment correspondent.
I recently held a very interesting interview with Professor Felix Knutta from the European Institute for Climate Protection. Professor Knutta thinks we should give serious consideration to the paranormal to explain the current hiatus in global warming. Paranormal techniques are the latest addition to the armoury of climate scientists, helping them resolve some tricky climate issues.
Professor Knutta and his team at the Institute have just received a substantial EU grant to follow up a number of intriguing lines of paranormal climate research.
“Firstly,” Professor Knutta told me as we sat drinking excellent Java coffee in his Paris office, “there are reasons to believe that millions of climate deniers funded by the Koch brother are deliberately leaving their fridge doors open to prevent global temperatures from rising.”
“Clearly climate models cannot be wrong” Professor Knutta added, “so although leaving your fridge door open cannot have a long-term impact on climate change, it could be used by deniers to upset the official balance of nature.”
“Surely Professor, this isn’t so much paranormal activity as climate sabotage,” I suggested.
“Of course it’s bloody sabotage – that much is obvious,” the Professor snapped in that abrupt manner of his, “but how do you think we found out about it in the first place?”
“Surveillance?” I hazarded.
“Well… I can’t say exactly,” muttered Professor Knutta, almost as if he suddenly realised he may be giving away sensitive information. “The technique is very new,” he added eventually, “but suffice it to say that we are detecting a massive amount of fridge door sabotage by mind melding.”
“Mind melding?”
“Yes. At great risk to our researchers, we successfully melded with denier minds and bingo! We uncovered the sabotage.”
“Very impressive Professor. Somewhat like Mr Spock –“
“Secondly, there is the issue of methane gas, a much stronger greenhouse gas than carbon dioxide. Human flatulence contains methane and we believe that the global legumes market has been manipulated by the Koch brother to raise prices worldwide and reduce consumption. Beans are a major source of human flatulence and deniers are manipulating the market to reduce methane emissions.”
“So deniers are making a concerted global attack on human flatulence?”
“Indeed they are,” the Professor insisted. “Do you fart less than you did a few years ago? I don’t on principle, but less human methane means less global warming, thus giving us a false picture of the temperature rise mandated by climate models.”
Thirdly, and most controversially, Professor Knutta believes he has evidence that Gaia herself is a climate denier, hiding massive amounts of heat somewhere as yet unknown.
“How was this done?” I asked the Professor.
“Easy, Gaia has been bribed by the Koch brothers to tuck away all the missing heat in some secret location. We aren’t sure where yet, but paranormal techniques have helped us to locate a number of possible hiding places.”
“But how has Gaia been bribed?”
“By promising to plant more trees,” the Professor explained with a gesture of irritation. “A simple idea, but utterly evil because Gaia loves trees.”
“So all the tree-planting is being done –“
“By deniers,” the Professor insisted loudly.
“And the solution?” I asked with a certain amount of trepidation.
“Chop them all down,” shouted the Professor with a strange, high-pitched laugh. “Show that Gaia bitch we mean business.”
Very, very unfunny.
& unclever ….
Do please grow up – look at this year’s anomalous weather over the whole planet, please!
I think the weather is allowed to vary, isn’t it? I keep being told that weather isn’t the same as climate.
When you have Weather in one country – if you accumaulate it over the whole planet – then it tends towards climate.
It’s a summing process.
Ours has been very wet & cool.
The US & Russia have had the opposite …..
no greg I think you’re the one whose talking bollocks
No you emote, you don’t think AT ALL.
I repeat, look at the phenology survey being taken for the past 10+ years now in this country.
Tens of thousands of recorders, so individual errors are smeared out.
The results are not nice reading – it is getting wrmer, ov average. And, this is not just based on recent data, because there are records, from individuals, that give us a data-base to look at that goes back to the 1700′s.
Very interesting stuff.
Greg, lighten up.
No Greg,YOU look at all the recently published papers explaining the reasons behind the lack of “extrodinary” and “extreme” weather and then make a comment. For someone who shows no empathy with the religions of the world you sure are acting in an emotive manner
Too important, I’m afraid!
Made Oi larf.
Good!
This will get up the noses of a lot of warmists for the simple reason this is the way they think.
It is. It may be a parody, but it’s not far from reality either.
BOLLOCKS
Ah – more climate science.
I think Dr Knutta has raised some very pertinant points in his latest study. It’s about time so called mainstream science recognised the tangible effect of the paranormal on the climate and even the weather. The persistant vapour trails which have become a feature in our skies over the past ten years or so are further proof of paranormal activity. I studied with Dr Knutta under the esteemed Dr Strabismus, whom God preserve,of Utrecht and I can vouch that,while not being funny ,he is very clever
Ah Dr. Strabismus (whom God preserve) – I wonder if he ever finished that dummy jellyfish?
Funny you should ask that.
Some of the US security agancies working with various marine institutes & software peopee & the small robot-builders have actually made artificial free-swimming jellyfish.
Lots of reasons.
Marine study / modelling of lifelike constructs / very opaque & hard-to-detect survelliance. etc …..
GAME OVER
See here:
link to independent.co.uk
2 years to pilot plant, 5 to small-scale industrial, 10-12 to major roll-out.
Needless to say, our guvmint will screw it & these people will have to go elsewhere for money!
Historical note – observe the location of their offices & plant?
Stockton & Darlington – what goes around, comes around.
1825 – 2025, maybe …..
The idea has been around for a long time, since (16*Carbon Dioxide + 18*Water -> 2*Octane/Iso-octane + 25*Oxygen) but …
Practical difficulties, which include the capture of the CO2 econmically & in sufficient volume, & presumably the specific pressure/temperature parameters (& catalysts) for the reaction chamber(s).
Just what we need, another bloody perpetual motion machine.
You should know better Greg.
DaveE.
Ecuse me, but RTFM?
NO IT IS NOT A P-M machine.
Just because you have technical abilty & education of an arts undergraduate, ( i.e. negative IQ) doesn’t mean you should spout ignorant cockwaffle of this sort.
NOW GO & READ THE ARTICLE?
And “google” for it, huh?
No, it really works – they are making PETROL from CO2 & water – yes it takes an an energy input, but it works.
Furthermore, one could put a (full-size version) of their kit next to a coal-fired power station, scrub the CO2 from the output, & produce petrol …..
Grrrrrr ……
And if you have the knowledge you claim, you’d know that the energy in is greater than the energy out. Sure the Fischer Tropsch process of which this is a variation works and when used with producer gas from coal can be viable using the energy from the burning of the coal which is where the CO, (in the F-T process,) comes from.
The energy from this process comes from electricity and yes I saw that they’re hoping to use this as storage for renewable sources. The only viable source would actually be nuclear as the US Navy is doing to produce Avtur at sea.
The savings in the US Navy process are that they are using excess nuclear capacity for power, CO2 from seawater, (much higher concentrations than atmospheric CO2 and fresh water from reverse osmosis of seawater to electrolyse into H & O.
It’s all a matter of where the power comes from. It’s not going to come from wind or Solar in any meaningful quantity, nuclear capacity is being reduced so that leaves coal and gas, hence my perpetual motion comment.
DaveE.